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Wednesday, February 7, 2007

How to Identify "Pervert Vulture Vulgaris" by Cindy

Liana and I take daily walks on the back roads and are always amazed at the various wild critters around here. We walk for our health, and we dress appropriately: Sweats, a fleece jacket, hat, scarf, gloves and our walking shoes, and of course I carry a can of pepper spray and she carries a can of mace. Needless to say, we're not dressing to attract anything. Our Motto: Be Prepared. Of particular dread is the resident critter, Scientific name: Pervert Vulture Vulgaris, Common Name: The Red-Neck Pervert. We generally see this critter once or twice a week, and dread it as he flies down the road and comes to light at our side. I begin my usual mutterings: Is it him? Is it the SOB? Is it the Asshole? Is it the Creep? Is it the Pervert? We always hope that this time we will avoid him. He's pretty easy to identify, as he drives an immense 1 ton truck, he wears a cowboy hat (kind of sinful in a way, as our idea of "cowboy" doesn't include this creepy image). He's old and skaggy looking with a lecherous oogling glint in his eye. His back seat always has a 30 pack of Coors, and the front seat is usually a 30 pack of Coors that has been opened, with empties on the seat, and a beer can in his hand. Oh, yes, he drools. We make positive identification when he asks the same question: "Aren't you afraid of being molested out here? Heh heh heh." Oh, the thoughts that run through our minds, as we pause in our turbo walk. He's in our book, we know him, and we are repulsed.

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